I am a secret diva.  Correction:  I am a secret malcontent with diva-ish leanings.  Clarification:  I am an egocentric, childish, petty “artiste” with a heart of gold.   Honest truth:  I am a painfully shy, impulsive, compulsive, overly sensitive composer/recluse that will one day rule the world from a darkened studio in an undisclosed location.

I love all of mankind, but I don’t like people up-close and personal.  I do like to be helpful and kind, but really, I might be of better service to humanity if I took my musical toys and went off to play in a cave far, far way.  Most days, I just want to be alone.  And yet, I need to be surrounded by people.

My multifaceted approach to daily living (how’s that for sugar-coating?!) may be explained, in part, by the fact that I grew up the oldest of seven children (yes, I am from a Catholic family).  When you are a member of a large brood you learn certain skills early on:

1.  Supper time boils down to survival of the nearest.
2.  “Your” stuff is everyone’s stuff unless you are clever about hiding places.
3.  You must quickly develop chameleon-like prowess for getting along with grown-ups while assuming some sort of “cool/fun” persona that plays well with other children.

I pretty much failed on all counts.

Yet, what I did come away with in the end, was the ability to go into groups of people, find the “resonant tone” of the group, if you will, and then conduct myself in such a way that would make sense to the group.  In high school, I was brainy and inventive with the smart kids, artsy and knowingly detached with the music and theater kids, and a little angel for all the nuns, priests and teachers.  I never really “belonged” to any one group, but I could effortlessly cruise between them all.  I was everyone’s friend and yet no one’s.  I would occasionally hang out with this cluster or that, but was never really prominent enough in anyone’s mind to be on the short lists for birthday party invites, dances, trips to the mall.

So now, I am a world class study in contradictions.  When I get to live with my heart, mind and soul all focused and working together, I am made glorious.  When my mind blocks my heart and my soul goes wandering off in search of elusive, spiritual truths I might as well pack it up and call it a night.  When I try to be cool and hip, I end up embarrassed and ashamed by my foolishness.

I am everybody and nobody all rolled into one.   Next time you see me, you might really not.

Sshh, listen…

{“Catch Me If You Can” written by LFK, performed by Starfish Lily. © Curly Girl Music, All Rights Reserved.}