I love to play puzzle games and work out master strategies.  Nothing makes my brain percolate pleasantly more than taking complex, snarled situations and creating logical and efficient solutions.  This enthusiastic problem-solving skill of mine has been a real blessing in my life, and I am grateful.  However, it’s also been something of a curse.

At the start, when I was but a small fry in Baltimore, finding answers was part of my survival skill set (re: growing up amongst six siblings in a somewhat rough-and-tumble row house neighborhood.)  I can actually remember a day when I was maybe 9 years old and some injustice to a small child (not even related to me) had been done by a big bully up the street.  I was full of fury and blazed into action leading a brigade of 14 or so children as we marched up the hill in the alleyway between Pelham and Kentucky Avenues.  And… I have no recollection of what (if anything) was accomplished.  But, I clearly remember walking up that hill thinking, “What are you DOING?  Why should you become involved with this?”  All I could answer was, “No one else is doing anything and someone HAS clear up this mess!”  Silly, silly girl.

Nowadays, and maybe it’s my overactive/overachieving imagination, I often feel that in any given room (recording studio, rehearsal room, board room, classroom and yes, even bathroom) a lot of “stuff” somehow boils down to me figuring out what should happen next.  Seems I’m always ready with a plan.  I am left standing alone in the middle of a dilemma and a big chunk of the answers to whatever current problems are at-hand must be resolved between my ears.  I am the go-to scheduler, arranger, peacemaker, financial manager, community organizer, snack-packer, leader of this-and-that.  It happens every time.

I have tried in vain to NOT be a person of any standing in some of the many volunteer groups I participate in.  I try hard (VERY hard) to do the least amount of thinking possible in such cases.  I tell myself,  “Just show up, do your minimal duty and get out of there!”  It rarely works.

Perhaps it’s a good thing that I care about “stuff” so much that I’m willing jump in
(sucker) to help out with things.  But more and more, I just want to sit back and watch the show.  I don’t want to lug gear, set lights, handhold, run sound, figure out budgets, soothe hurt egos, organize rehearsals, and so on and so on and so forth.

I am a composer.  I want to sit in quiet darkness and go with the flow.  Yes, I know that’s not reality.  But a little girl can dream.

Sshh, listen…

{“Down to You” Written by LFK, Performed by Starfish Lily. © Curly Girl Music, All Rights Reserved.}